I am no longer in Korea...

...that is not news to me. I am the one living my life. I came home, literally home. Not just to the US, but home to my parents house. I had been living in my own apartment, but then I got myself in some nice financial trouble. I am probably the only one who knows the extent of that trouble. But I am sure there are some suspicions from people. I don't know how to talk about it. I can barely even write about it. I do know it's because I am probably living outside my means. I could not imagine what a kid who gets kicked out of his home or who has no family could survive in this world. I am more accepted in my family than a lot of others and I have a super huge family to boot.
This really was not going to be a "cry for me" party, but I have been thinking about who I could talk to about all of this and every time I come up with a name I find a reason that their lent ear would be disastrous to my life. I think I am doing a pretty good job of eff-ing up my life as it is. It is too hard to admit that and I can't look weak in front of people. If I was psychoanalyzing myself then I would say that stems from being seen as weak because I am gay. I want to be strong, but I have yet to find a place where I feel strong. So, I have this impervious shell. Death, heartache, and misery had yet to crack it.
I can't say that I was happier in Korea. I was eff-ing up some pretty good relationships. I am half a follower and half a leader. I couldn't control my drinking and I was getting homesick. Hindsight is always the best, isn't it. I went from living half way across the world to coming back to the place I grew up. It has not been great. I have to fake that I like it here because I feel it would hurt too many people's feelings if I said I hated living here. I do. I do hate living here. I think compounded with my inability to perform well at my job that is digging me further into the hole that I have yet to find a way out of out. I was not smart enough to bring a ladder/flashlight/map with me. I was not prepared for being pastoral.
Nice segue, right? I am working in a church now. The church I grew up in. I had a plan that I would always work within the church. Not necessarily this church, but wherever I was I knew I could find a place to worship. That wasn't technically true in Korea. I never did go to find one. I call it my un-churched year. I was not prepared for how hard it is to work within the church. I have learned that the less I know the better my life is. I really adhere to the statement "ignorance is bliss". If I don't know something I usually feel my life is better. I am happier. I am going crazy there. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to think before I speak. Everyday I am there I see the light growing dimmer in the hole.
I often go back to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I am probably still at the bottom somewhere between physiological and safety. Whether his theory has been disproved or whatever makes no difference to me. It helps me explain why I think I am as incompetent as I am.
As I have been writing this, youtube has been playing some pretty great music, but alas my battery is running out and hopefully this has alleviated some of stress I have been putting myself under. I know how I could un-stress myself, but that is scarier than living the life I am in now.