I am no longer in Korea...

...that is not news to me. I am the one living my life. I came home, literally home. Not just to the US, but home to my parents house. I had been living in my own apartment, but then I got myself in some nice financial trouble. I am probably the only one who knows the extent of that trouble. But I am sure there are some suspicions from people. I don't know how to talk about it. I can barely even write about it. I do know it's because I am probably living outside my means. I could not imagine what a kid who gets kicked out of his home or who has no family could survive in this world. I am more accepted in my family than a lot of others and I have a super huge family to boot.
This really was not going to be a "cry for me" party, but I have been thinking about who I could talk to about all of this and every time I come up with a name I find a reason that their lent ear would be disastrous to my life. I think I am doing a pretty good job of eff-ing up my life as it is. It is too hard to admit that and I can't look weak in front of people. If I was psychoanalyzing myself then I would say that stems from being seen as weak because I am gay. I want to be strong, but I have yet to find a place where I feel strong. So, I have this impervious shell. Death, heartache, and misery had yet to crack it.
I can't say that I was happier in Korea. I was eff-ing up some pretty good relationships. I am half a follower and half a leader. I couldn't control my drinking and I was getting homesick. Hindsight is always the best, isn't it. I went from living half way across the world to coming back to the place I grew up. It has not been great. I have to fake that I like it here because I feel it would hurt too many people's feelings if I said I hated living here. I do. I do hate living here. I think compounded with my inability to perform well at my job that is digging me further into the hole that I have yet to find a way out of out. I was not smart enough to bring a ladder/flashlight/map with me. I was not prepared for being pastoral.
Nice segue, right? I am working in a church now. The church I grew up in. I had a plan that I would always work within the church. Not necessarily this church, but wherever I was I knew I could find a place to worship. That wasn't technically true in Korea. I never did go to find one. I call it my un-churched year. I was not prepared for how hard it is to work within the church. I have learned that the less I know the better my life is. I really adhere to the statement "ignorance is bliss". If I don't know something I usually feel my life is better. I am happier. I am going crazy there. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to think before I speak. Everyday I am there I see the light growing dimmer in the hole.
I often go back to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I am probably still at the bottom somewhere between physiological and safety. Whether his theory has been disproved or whatever makes no difference to me. It helps me explain why I think I am as incompetent as I am.
As I have been writing this, youtube has been playing some pretty great music, but alas my battery is running out and hopefully this has alleviated some of stress I have been putting myself under. I know how I could un-stress myself, but that is scarier than living the life I am in now.

Uh oh...

I thought I might have had to change this blog to something about Justin Bieber...I love the song "Baby"...do you think Freddie would disown me...???

A Kind of Magic

Obviously we know what this post is going to be about -- more accurately what song I'm going to basing my thoughts and horrible writing upon. I just ended a sentence in a preposition -- how very English teacher of me!

So, if I had powers of a magical nature then I would definitely find a proofreading spell that helped me write better without any effort. I realized that during high school no one was going to be satisfied with my writing. I look back now and think that I didn't have good English teachers in my high school career, but maybe it was because English just didn't come as easy as math or science classes did. I remember being in class and having to explain the significance of a candle in the play "The Crucible". Actually that might not even be the play -- there is also the possibility that it was "Macbeth". Heavens knows that I didn't really pay that much attention in class.

Anyways, English class was the only class that I ever got a B in while I was in high school. And I think that was only my Junior year. Anyways, I still got into a great university. Therefore I subjected many professors to my horrible, unpolished, lackluster fiction. I use the word fiction because I really never researched anything, but just tried to write down a few sentences and then go into a reading pull a few quotes out that I thought would support a sentence I had used. Magic would have been nice to have or a boyfriend that wasn't clingy. Maybe that's what my second potion would have been.

A love potion that found non-clingy gay boys. And now I'm an English teacher in South Korea!!! I've learned more here than I ever knew before of English! Queen has never failed me, but I am pretty certain that a career in wizardry or witchcraft would have.

All I want to do is ride my bike!!!!

I should have bought a bike when I first arrived here in Korea. It would have been easier to get to work. I'm supposed to be in walking distance. In all actuality it would take me 45 minutes to walk to work. And that's only on a nice day. I could also get to E-Mart or Lotte Mart a lot easier and even be able to possibly (there's quite the hill going down from E-Mart that I'm sure I'd wipe out on if I tried to go down it) bike back with a lot of water in tow.

My inspiration for this post is from Queen's song Bicycle Race and the fact that I have amazing hindsight. I'm also wondering if I'll actually keep up writing at least semi-regularly about Queen and how the music inspires me so! As I'm not very diligent and will inevitably find doing this frivolous or forget I even started it like most of my other blogging experiences.

And hey...it's only almost 1 and I'm already thinking about bed. That's a major improvement then going to bed at 4 or 5. What amazing things happen when you work second shift!!!

Queen has got me thinking...

I have this desire to be in a band. For sometime (I would just like everyone, all those millions who will read this, to know that since I've started teaching English that I've been looking into how poorly I write so I just looked up the proper usage and difference between "sometime" and "some time"...I don't think it helped because I definitely could not explain it and still am not sure if I used the correct form) I just wanted to be in a band with the drummer from Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. If you've seen the movie then you know there is no drummer, but one of those electric drummers...

Now, I've resigned myself to starting a Queen cover band. As of right now I'm the only member. And I can't sing...nor play an instrument. I won't let that deter me though. I have a dream to at least do one wedding. I'll have to learn the lyrics to more songs though. I can pretty well sing only two right now -- Radio Ga-Ga and Bohemian Rhapsody. I could possibly get by singing Fat-Bottomed Girls, We Will Rock You and You're My Best Friend. That's like only one set...and then there's the fact that I could never imitate a modicum of Freddie Mercury's personality on stage.

I have come to conclusion that I would have died of AIDS had I been old enough to ever have had sex with him. I won't lie about that. However, I'm quite glad I was only born in 1987. It is very safe to say that I don't nor will I have in the near future any venereal disease. It's helps to have sex to get a venereal disease.

Oh, and I should write something about Korea here. I don't think they know Queen very well over here and would deny that Freddie had relations with men. I've learned there is no word for homosexuality over here...except that every man between the ages of 20 and 30 looks super-gay. That was insensitive. I'll remember to be nicer next time.